I played football from the age of 6 to 17. Until I was 14 or 15, I played with the men's team. After that, I played for the women's team for three years. I had mostly positive experiences, but eventually it became too difficult for me to manage everything, including my transition. It was, among other things, too hard to feel comfortable among the women. So I stopped everything, a choice for myself and my mental well-being, and with a heavy heart I said that I was stopping playing football.
"My advice to all non-binary and trans people: no matter what they think or say about you, the most important thing is to keep playing sports. There are plenty of people who will help and support you."
SPORTS AS AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK
For example, it's expected that you shower together. I've never done that. Not since puberty, anyway. I never showered at the club, always at home. I was always one of the first out of the locker room. Even in indoor soccer, I never showered at the club. Although, it was all men there and they showered in their underwear.
Why I didn't do that is hard to explain... You're not in the right body, or you don't feel good in your own skin, and then you have to shower with people who you think feel good. That feels very strange. I didn't want to do that, because I didn't really know what was going on or what I was feeling at the time. Even showering in underwear, like at the indoor soccer club, remains difficult. I usually just turned my back to the others.
These things are what made me lose the enjoyment of football. During training or matches, it was still okay because the focus was entirely on the sport, but outside of that, it became too difficult for me. Plus, there's always the fear of what people will think or what questions they'll ask. If they suddenly know you're a transgender person, they'll gossip or act differently. I haven't experienced that in sports, but I have at school.
YOUR EXHAUST VALVE IS FALLING OUT
Playing football was a moment of liberation. I could focus on something other than my feelings, and that was a real relief. I also notice in my environment that they really miss playing sports. My best friend, also a footballer, stopped playing just like me because he didn't feel good in his body and wanted to transition.
"I'm sorry that I've lost that enjoyment in football. It was an outlet, nothing else mattered and you could forget all your worries. Only playing football and winning the match counted."
I also know people who are transitioning but still play for their former club. I think it's good that this is possible in football (cf. gender dispensation). I wish more sports could allow this. If you are transitioning and want to stay with your current team, that's a conscious choice and it means that everyone, or almost everyone, accepts you. Of course, it's a shame that at a certain point you might no longer be allowed to play for your familiar team.
For some, the step from a men's team to a women's team (or vice versa) is simply too big. There's a real hurdle there, or at least for me. I've said many times that I'd like to pick up the game again, but approaching a club and asking to play with them, among the men, is quite difficult. For example, I once played a match among the men, but I'm not tall or broad. I'm generally not afraid to go into a duel, but that doubt still creeps in sometimes.
CONFIDENCE PERSONS
I consciously choose not to bring my transition into a sports club. For example, when I was still playing in the women's team, my team didn't know that I wasn't feeling well. I did inform my coach, though. And teachers at school were also aware.
I received support everywhere. More than just support, actually. My physical education teacher understood that I no longer wanted to change clothes with the girls, so he asked me what I needed. I was allowed to change with the boys, in the restrooms, or in his locker room. I could do whatever felt best. He was completely understanding. That's very comforting. That was also very important, because at a certain point, those PE lessons were my only experience with sports. There I could let go of everything for a while.
I confided in my trainer and my physical education teacher because there was a pretty good connection. If they respect you and you respect them, it's easy. Otherwise, you won't have that connection. It's still a bit of a gamble and a bit scary, because some teachers, for example, don't really know how to deal with it. Because of that, they sometimes say things that can be hurtful or they can't offer a solution.
I need to know that there's a confidant to talk to before I can start, because you can't carry it all alone. Or a separate changing room, although I know they can't make that available right away. But if you have a bad day when you don't feel like enough of a man or woman, you can still shower somewhere.
NEED FOR CHANGE
Although I've had mostly positive experiences and was able to turn to a number of people for help, I didn't really have anyone else to find inspiration or comfort from. Besides, I think there are far too few role models in sports. I do miss playing sports now. I want to start again, pick up football again, get back into sports. It's such a great outlet, and I miss that in my life, but you quickly feel like an outsider. That makes it very difficult to take the step back into sports.
I can sense that there are good intentions, but they don't always come to fruition. That's why I felt hesitant and afraid when I told my teachers. In my opinion, there are a number of things that can help trans and non-binary people to (continue) participating in sports, such as a webinar or working on bullying issues. A confidential contact person can also help with this, so that they can turn to them for help and that the club takes immediate action. Starting with bullying and making inappropriate comments sets the ball rolling. Then the club must intervene and make it clear that this is unacceptable.
For me, a confidential contact is someone who has experience within the community but also has knowledge of the sport and a good rapport with the person in question. This confidential contact should also know how to respond to comments or bullying. It could be anyone within the sports club. If you register as a trans or non-binary person, it's helpful if the club can immediately say: "This is your confidential contact." Then you can immediately approach that person if something happens, and no one else needs to know.
In this way, the club also shows that it is doing its best to create a safe environment. Currently, the responsibility for being able to play sports lies largely with me, but the club must ensure that everyone is safe enough to play sports with them. I had the advantage that I always knew someone. I can imagine that if you end up in a team where you don't know anyone, it's very difficult to approach someone. In such a moment, it would be easy if you know that the club is making efforts for a safe atmosphere. Ultimately, everyone is there for the same goal and for that one thing: playing sports.